The Hot Potato / Why People Ghost Each Other

“How’s it going?” I asked him, detecting dejectment of sorts. 

He took his customary seat on the couch next to the coffee table, where I’d situated a small 4 by 6 bromide which read, Wherever you go, there you are. 

He pointed to it. “I never asked. What does that mean? Popular saying.”  

“What’s your guess?” I asked.

Hopeless chuckle. “Getting the client talking, are you?” he said. 

“Seems like it’s something good to remember, though.” 

“For a later discussion. So, what’s the news?” I said. 

Sigh. Head shake. “I thought everything was good. But when I texted her, she never got back with me. And I called but …I don’t know, uh..”

“So…?”

“Ghosted,” he said.

“Ah….. You think?” 

“It’s what my generation does.”

He was ten years out of college and in search of a relationship, but was striking out. He’d met this woman on an app. And had pursued a meet-up, which in our last meeting he reported had gone well. His method of establishing a relationship was Greek to me, being an old guy, who’d met my wife the old fashioned way, frequenting a coffee shop where she worked hoping to spark an interest in me. 

I’d heard from other clients of his generation, millennials, born 1981 to 96 and also Gen Zers, those born 97 to 2012, who’d experienced similar actions from someone they’d met and then were dropped like a hot potato. 

I listened to his assessment of the situation, mostly him criticizing himself.  

Psychology Today reports Ghosting is an experience when someone ends communication without an explanation. Often it is associated with a romantic relationship but can also describe disappearances from friendships, family and from the workplace. 

Health writer Hilary Lebow says in a 2021 Psych Central blog, quoting mental health professionals, anywhere from 13 to 23 percent of people in the U.S. have been ghosted. Assessing why someone ghosts can help with the rejection of the act.

Lebow cites 8 reasons why someone ghosts. Although no one reason is causal, she said, to begin, technology makes the brush off easy, especially if the meet-up is created by an app. The digital world desensitizes people to one another. It is in effect like going to the grocery store. Take an item off the shelf, look at it and if it doesn't suit you, put it back without any explanation. There are plenty of cereal brands to choose from. 

Fear of hurting another can be a reason someone ghosts,  Lebow says. It is just easier to say nothing when chemistry doesn't jell. But just as common and possibly more the case, is that those who ghost, have low emotional intelligence, (EQ). 

Persons who write-off someone might not have the EQ, which relates to the capacity to understand how their actions hurt another. A piece of EQ is proficiency in handling interpersonal difficulties and coping with differences in others. Being straight about it, dignified and assertive are signs of a high EQ personality.

Lebow notes that often mental disorders such as depression, bi polar disorder, avoidant personality disorder and trauma and even autism can contribute to ghosting. 

Mental disorders can preoccupy a person with their own situations and as a result the person has little time for anyone else.

Always low self esteem plays into any interpersonal interaction, and, naturally, the attachment style one has to early caregivers governs future attachments. According to Lebow’s article,with an insecure style, a person oscillates between wanting intimacy and being fearful of it. These persons have little trust and mostly don’t understand their own emotions, much less the feelings of others. 

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, 2000 plus years ago, it is not what happens, but how one interprets what happens.

Licensed professional counselor, Sara Makin of Pittsburgh, echoes Epictetus, cautioning rejected persons not to take matters too seriously. “For some people, ghosting can create a shame spiral where we question whether we are good enough or worthy,” she said. Thus, one might begin ruminating and replaying conversations with the person who ghosted. “Remember it is not about you, it is about their lack of capacity to develop close relationships.” 

My client and I talked through his experience. We decided to not dwell on the ghoster, or what her behavior implies, and to Let it Be, in otherwards, don’t contact her. Also, don’t isolate, get back in the saddle, and realize a pretty app.profile a good mate does not necessarily make. 

“Better it happened now,” he said, "than later.” 

I advised him there is an alternative to the dating scene, other than live by the app, die by the app, which is meeting someone the old fashioned way. I promised we’d develop a plan about how to do that.