Why Can’t I Let it Go? Understanding Rumination

She took a seat on the couch and began shaking her head in a kind of desperation. “Why can’t I let it go. It’s gotten to the point of getting me up in the middle of the night. I mean…” She stared at the rug. Sighed.

It was a common plea about over-and-over again thoughts. I waited for more. She’d been seeing me for a while. We had a comfortable relationship; humor being a common thread. I’d seen improvements in her capacity to not let matters fester that were of a small concern.

“Should I order some magic dust,” I said.

Light smile. “Yes. That’s why I come here.” Chuckle. “Just kidding.”

“That’s alright. I’ll put in an order. Until then.”

Momentary silence. Hurtful jabs, hurls by family or friends, intended or not, in what is called the second arrow, are the stings that stick. I’d found that while Cognitive Behavior techniques help with this over-and-over again thinking, called ruminations, many clients just need someone to listen to them, with something to work towards.

“Recently, I seem to get so worked up that I have an upset stomach,” she said. “And I have to dish out Tums. I’ve started chewing dozens of them.”

She took out a plastic container from her purse and shook out one. “Want one?”

“I'm good.” She explained the different flavors, the tropical ones being her favorite. “I’m like my dad. I remember growing up, he’d take me to school, and he’d be chewing on Tums all the way. Now, I'm doing the same thing.” Shake of the head. “So…uh, I never bothered to ask him what was bothering him. Suppose I didn’t connect Tums to thought troubles. I don’t know though, he always seemed calm. But then…...” Drift off, momentary stare at the rug…

“But then.’

“But then there was my mother.”

I suspected she’d get to mom sometime.

“So, well, she’s gone now. I mean I feel guilty. But it was always the shoulds with her.”

“The shoulds can be a rough way to live.”

“Who was that therapist you said who talked about them?”

“You mean Albert EIllis, the father of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. He used musterbations as those demands we make on ourselves.

We both smile at the faux paus to masterbation.

“He said, we all get caught up in ‘We must do this’. Or, in the case of your mom, ‘what you should do’. Sound familiar?”

“Right. You once had me write down what his theory was. Wasn’t it the ABCD’?”

“That was Ellis’ formula to diagnose events which cause concern. But it seems for the case of your mom it’s useful to remember the piece, which is the D, how to Dispute those negative thoughts that keep ringing out. And rephrase them. Especially since Mom’s now gone.”

Sigh. “She’d shout out to my dad. ‘Clem’, make sure, whatever it was she needed to remind him to do. And with me it was about going somewhere I didn’t want to go, or what I was wearing, or what she said I should wear, whatever. Hair, make-up. It was endless.”

“So, the story today is holding onto Mom and what she wanted from you?”

Nod. Smile. “I guess the stories change every week,” she said. “Different stories, but the same, how do you say, structure of... Uh... ”

“Different stories. Same structure or method to contend with them.”

“Yes. Well, uh, I guess it's my nature to hold onto the negative. What did you say? A person's predisposition?

I was glad she found past sessions useful, at least in remembering information from our talks. “We all have our tendencies, thinking patterns shaped early and held onto,” I said. “The environment greatly contributes.”

“So, I’m cooked?” Hopeless chuckle.

“No, I’m sorry to tell you, you're a long way from being cooked. Ellis would say you just need to reframe this, these troublesome thoughts. He called the D’s, irrational thought, or thoughts, stories you are hoodwinked by, or holding onto.

“The irrational piece is how YOU interpret what is said. What you say to yourself about what has been said and how you relate to it, or relate to yourself about something you did or didn’t do. He actually took that thinking from the Stoics.”

I continued, “So to mom. Is there something that she kept saying or did that keep echoing? Hair, make up?”

Foot now shaking, staring at the floor rug. “Uh, oh, my hair was just an example. What usually happens is that all her negative comments come at once. And in the middle of the night. But, uh, yeah, my hair. I remember once when my dad was taking me to school, I think I was a freshman, and I was getting in the car and she yelled, comb your hair Mary Margaret it looks like a rat’s nest! I got in the car and began madly stroking my hair. And started crying almost to the point of not catching my breath. My dad just put his hand on my knee and said ‘one time through is good enough to do, sweetheart.’

“Sounds like your dad was a pretty steady guy.”

“He had to be with her.” Chuckle, then sniffle. “When I got out of the car at school, he looked at my hair and smiled and said maybe two times is good enough to do. We both laughed…… I really miss him.”

She related what her dad did for a living and that he called her baby doll when she was younger. And how he died suddenly which left her and her mother alone. Another matter to get to.

“But, I mean what kind of mom yells that from the front porch of a home. I mean, I.”

“So, what kind of mom does?” I said.

“Fuck.” Shake of the head. Fingers through her hair. “I’m Sorry…. But she makes me mad, even though she’s no longer here. I suppose you’re going to say a mom who cares about her daughter.”

“Do you think there is a doubt she did?”

“No.” she said. I guess I could have combed my hair better.” Chuckle.

“I’m sure a lot of women would like to have your hair. Seems pretty, uh…..”

“Course.” Chuckle, again. “Oh, I don’t know. I guess I’m lucky… So, gratitude. Isn’t that what you say to do when these feelings happen about someone.”

“Doesn’t work for all people we have mixed feelings about,” I said. “But for those close to us, trying gratitude can't hurt, even if you have to be an actor.”

She got out a small tablet she was given to carry for our discussions. And clicked her pen. She began writing, seeming to recap what had been said. “Yes, go on professor.”

“Ha. Ellis said, when we have anger, try and pare it down to frustration, a less toxic emotion. You might say something like, ‘wouldn’t it have been great if mom wasn’t so persnickety about my appearance. But she wasn’t, then look toward the gratitude about her time with you. Easier said than done. But that gets you off the rumination anger train, which is a hard loop to get off of.

I told her of my experiences with friends who’d said hurtful things over decades, but with whom I’d invoked my silent gratitude about my friendship with them for the good times we’d shared.”

Silence, then. “Did you ever think about changing your office around?”

“Think I need to?”

“Oh. It’s not bad. Just kind of cluttery. I mean you have a lot of books, just, well I guess it’s Okay. I like your pictures.”

“It’s always there to do. Not a bad thing to think about.”

She found the hourglass I'd placed subtly in a crevice on the bookshelf. “So, as the sand through the hourglass says….”

She took her cell lying on the couch, clicked her pen and put them all into her purse. “I feel better. Don’t know how long it will last though. I’ll try and hold off overdosing on Tums.”

“Good idea,” I said. “What does the wise sage of the prairie say? It’s a matter of choice.”

“Ah.”

With all counseling scenarios shared on this web page, names if used, are fictitious. All clients have consented to sharing their sessions discussions.